Jerusalem 6:30 a.m. Local Time
Miracles, miracles, miracles! That’s all the buzz surrounding our newest and youngest candidate, Jesus of Nazareth--although for future reference, Nazareth refuses to grant him local prophet status and may disown him altogether in the face of the Bethlehem birth controversy.
People are calling him the Miracle Man, the Calmer of the Waters, the Cleanser of Lepers, and this most recent and most controversial of all: Raiser of the Dead.
Any good prophet story includes at least one instance of raising someone from the dead. Even Barabbas has made claims to have done this, but only Jesus has a hundred witnesses coming forth to tell the tale of this wondrous event.
It began with a ritual mourning. Jesus’ friend and campaign contributor Lazarus had just died of a sudden illness. Jesus had been on his way to see him, and, his sisters hoped, cure him of this terrible illness. But, burdened by the responsibilities and slow travel necessary to the campaign, Jesus was still some 4 days journey from Lazarus’ house when the ailing man took a turn for the worse and died.
When Jesus arrived, he found that his friend had already passed on and been buried. Lazarus’ bereaved sister lashed out at a distraught Jesus, telling him that her brother would still be alive if he’d been there to heal him.
This apparently troubled Jesus, and he asked to be taken to the tomb, where he ordered the stone to be removed. Although warned of the impending stench of a four-day-old body, Jesus insisted.
The men removed the stone and Jesus called out to the dead man, “Lazarus, come out!”
At this juncture in the story, let us turn to our eye witness. Jeremiah, you were at the scene of the raising. Please tell me in your own words what happened next.
“Like you said, Jesus told them to roll away the stone and they were like no way, he’ll be right nasty smelling, and Jesus was like do it now and they did and then he just yelled at that homeboy to come out and I kid you not, the dude walked out! I about fainted when he came out all wrapped up like one of those Egyptian mummies and talking and all that and he starts grumbling about being woken up and I was like, yep, that’s Lazarus alright.”
Thank you, Jeremiah, for that unique description of the events surrounding the resurrection of Lazarus.
There you have it, folks, a genuine miracle! That’s one more in the Jesus column, and as you can see behind me, they are indeed adding a stone to his abacus column as he has risen again in the polls.
Jonah Ammitai, Good News Weekly, reporting.
Miracles, miracles, miracles! That’s all the buzz surrounding our newest and youngest candidate, Jesus of Nazareth--although for future reference, Nazareth refuses to grant him local prophet status and may disown him altogether in the face of the Bethlehem birth controversy.
People are calling him the Miracle Man, the Calmer of the Waters, the Cleanser of Lepers, and this most recent and most controversial of all: Raiser of the Dead.
Any good prophet story includes at least one instance of raising someone from the dead. Even Barabbas has made claims to have done this, but only Jesus has a hundred witnesses coming forth to tell the tale of this wondrous event.
It began with a ritual mourning. Jesus’ friend and campaign contributor Lazarus had just died of a sudden illness. Jesus had been on his way to see him, and, his sisters hoped, cure him of this terrible illness. But, burdened by the responsibilities and slow travel necessary to the campaign, Jesus was still some 4 days journey from Lazarus’ house when the ailing man took a turn for the worse and died.
When Jesus arrived, he found that his friend had already passed on and been buried. Lazarus’ bereaved sister lashed out at a distraught Jesus, telling him that her brother would still be alive if he’d been there to heal him.
This apparently troubled Jesus, and he asked to be taken to the tomb, where he ordered the stone to be removed. Although warned of the impending stench of a four-day-old body, Jesus insisted.
The men removed the stone and Jesus called out to the dead man, “Lazarus, come out!”
At this juncture in the story, let us turn to our eye witness. Jeremiah, you were at the scene of the raising. Please tell me in your own words what happened next.
“Like you said, Jesus told them to roll away the stone and they were like no way, he’ll be right nasty smelling, and Jesus was like do it now and they did and then he just yelled at that homeboy to come out and I kid you not, the dude walked out! I about fainted when he came out all wrapped up like one of those Egyptian mummies and talking and all that and he starts grumbling about being woken up and I was like, yep, that’s Lazarus alright.”
Thank you, Jeremiah, for that unique description of the events surrounding the resurrection of Lazarus.
There you have it, folks, a genuine miracle! That’s one more in the Jesus column, and as you can see behind me, they are indeed adding a stone to his abacus column as he has risen again in the polls.
Jonah Ammitai, Good News Weekly, reporting.